Wednesday, 20 May 2009

The easyJet Mating Hating Game

Yes it's that time of the month again.

Time to mount the big orange bird and head for the sunrise.

I've suddenly realised that the name of the airline is written with a small "e" and capital "J".

Obviously, less accent on the "easy", more accentuation on the "Jet" part.

Anyway, I've found a new game to pass the four hours flight time in lieu of anything substantial to do or eat.

It's called the easyJet Mating Hating Game.

This is how you play.

You pay the extra for Speedy boarding. If you've never flown EJ, this costs about £15 more for a round trip and allows you to check in quicker and get on the aircraft first.

What you do, is to be one of the first up the airstep and bag a window seat in an empty row.

As the lower classes in the easyJet social structure (SA, A, B and so on) board, they are forced to decide whether to sit next to you or not (its free-seating on easyJet - the only thing that is free).

I've found that you can influence people by body language. If you like the look of someone and feel they are suitably qualified to sit next to you, you can pretend to read a book and look inoffensive. If you really don't like the look of them, you can scowl, cross your arms (or alternatively just scratch like crazy with an insane look on your face).

If you are young, free and single (sorry, I don't qualify), you could try to attract a mate. Once you have managed to convince him/her to sit next to you, he/she is then captive for four hours while you launch an assault of your best, alluring charms (hence the mating part of the title).

Of course, this game can seriously work against you (a bit like the snakes in snakes and ladders). Unfortunately, this is what happened today.

I was stuck with my nose in a book and was obviously putting out my "I'm a bookworm and no threat to anybody" vibes, when the mild mannered Reg thought he would sit next to me.
He reminded me of the character on Monty Python (the one with the round rimless spectacles and the hanky on his head, usually played by Eric Idle).

Reg was no problem, but he brought his wife with him.

Luckily, he sat between me and her.

His wife was like a posh version of Blanche from Coronation Street, complete with big squareal glasses.

She told Reg off for saying "Ta" instead of "thank you", complained to the flight attendant that the Kit Kats were too cold, smacked poor old Reg's hands from time to time (every time he fiddled with anything actually) and then capped it all off by following the flight attendant down the aisle while she was serving hot drinks. As Blanche couldn't get past the attendant due to the trolley, she decided to assist said lady, by talking to everybody a little once the flight attendant had given them their change.

Lucky passengers - not only did they get a cup of coffee from the trolley dolly, they also got a few words of wisdom from Blanche, to help with their digestion.

So, you can see where the hating part of the game comes in.

Travelling with the British public is a real game of Russian Roulette.

A lot is heard about Terminal 5 at Heathrow, but I think Gatwick is hiding it's light under a bushel.

Pier 6 is an 11-pier aircraft stand attached to the North terminal by a state-of-the-art bridge. Finished in 2005, it cost £110m.

The new bridge arrangement saves around 50,000 unnecessary coach movements each year.

At 197m, the new Gatwick air bridge was the largest passenger bridge in the world to span a taxiway (Gatwick taxiway L). The fully enclosed (to minimise maintenance) bridge design was based on the human spine.

The bridge has to provide sufficient clearance for the 19.4m-tall Boeing 747-400 series.

Passengers can cross the taxiway using the bridge and there are moving walkways to take you up, across and down the other side.

Now, why didn't I hear about that before - much more interesting than T5.

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